I Gave Myself a Month to Make One New Friend. How Hard Could That Be?

🌈 Abstract

The article explores the author's struggle to make new friends as an adult, and the broader societal trend of declining friendships among Americans. It discusses the challenges of forming new friendships as an adult, the author's attempts to make a new friend within a one-month timeframe, and the insights gained from this experience.

🙋 Q&A

[01] The Difficulty of Making Friends as an Adult

1. What are the two key conditions that experts say are needed for organic friendship development? According to psychologist Dr. Marisa Franco, the two key conditions for organic friendship development are:

• Continuous unplanned interaction
• Shared vulnerability

2. How does the author's existing friendships differ from the type of friendship they were seeking? The author's existing friendships were "safe, predictable, and pure pleasure", but lacked the contrast and opportunity to learn about themselves that a new friendship could provide. The author realized they were seeking a friendship where they could "learn how to tell your story to people who don't know your context and learn theirs."

3. What challenges did the author face in trying to make a new friend through methods like a parent-child swim class or blind dates? The author found the parent-child swim class to be chaotic and not conducive to making new friends. The blind dates were described as "aggressive, pathetic, or insane", with the potential new friends being more interested in the author's "friend-making project" than in genuinely connecting.

[02] The Author's Month-Long Attempt to Make a New Friend

1. What were the rules the author set for themselves in this friend-making project? The author defined criteria for what would count as a "friend" (e.g. recurring interactions, shared experiences/memories), and set guidelines like requiring the new friend to be local and not a long-distance relationship.

2. How did the author's use of the Bumble for Friends app impact their perspective? The author found the experience of swiping through profiles and judging potential friends to be a negative one, realizing they were being overly judgmental in a way that was not in line with Dale Carnegie's advice. The author also struggled with the idea of what a friendship formed this way would actually look like.

3. What realization did the author have at the end of the month-long project? The author realized they didn't just want one new friend, but rather a "congress of nonexperts" - a group of close friends who could provide the casual, spontaneous interactions and support the author was missing. The author concluded that building this type of meaningful friendship network would take more than a month.