Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July

🌈 Abstract

The article satirizes common Fourth of July celebrations and activities, criticizing them as being undemocratic, hypocritical, or illegal.

🙋 Q&A

[01] Have a cookout

1. What is the main criticism of having a cookout on the Fourth of July?

• The article criticizes the idea of having a cookout on the Fourth of July if the land being used is not owned by the person hosting the cookout, especially if it is public space like a park or sidewalk. The article questions how someone can exist and have a cookout if they don't even own a home.

[02] Fly a flag

1. What types of flags does the article suggest people might fly on the Fourth of July?

• The article suggests people might fly flags that:
• Indicate they think "overthrowing our democratic institutions is chill"
• Tell the police that the home should be part of their "protection racket"
• Are novelty flags like "I OWN A MEGAYACHT AND BRIBE—justices love it"

2. What is the article's tone towards these flag-flying suggestions?

• The article's tone is sarcastic and critical towards these flag-flying suggestions, portraying them as undemocratic and hypocritical.

[03] Set off fireworks

1. What are the article's criticisms of setting off fireworks on the Fourth of July?

• The article suggests that if fireworks are illegal, people should try to bribe public officials to look the other way when setting them off.
• The article also mocks the idea that air pollution concerns from fireworks are not a big deal, according to the Supreme Court.

2. What alternative to fireworks does the article suggest?

• The article sarcastically suggests celebrating by "firing off a machine gun instead—or, wait, not a 'machine gun,' just a gun with a bump stock that makes a weapon discharge hundreds of rounds a minute, which is a totally different thing."

[04] Declare your freedom from democracy

1. What is the article's main criticism of this idea?

• The article satirizes the idea that the Supreme Court has "rediscovered the founders' original intent" to have a system of government with powers similar to a king, despite the founders being against kings.
• The article suggests the Supreme Court prefers the term "president" over "king" because it rhymes with fewer words that could be used against them in a "rap battle."

2. What does the article say about the Supreme Court's role in decision-making?

• The article states that the Supreme Court has decided "the courts should be in charge of all of this decision-making stuff."

[05] Conclusion

1. What is the article's overall tone and message?

• The article's overall tone is sarcastic and critical, mocking common Fourth of July celebrations and activities as being undemocratic, hypocritical, or illegal.
• The article's message seems to be that the current state of American democracy and institutions is concerning, with the Supreme Court making decisions that undermine democratic principles.