I Am A Transwoman. I Am In The Closet. I Am Not Coming Out.

🌈 Abstract

The article is a personal narrative exploring the author's lifelong struggle with gender identity and dysphoria, as well as their experiences navigating the complexities of gender politics and identity within various social circles.

🙋 Q&A

[01] Childhood and Adolescence

1. What were some of the author's earliest experiences and realizations related to their gender identity?

• As early as 6 years old, the author had recurring dreams of being a girl, which filled them with shame and a sense of being "caught"
• The author prayed to have these dreams again, and they continued throughout their childhood
• The author was drawn to female characters in books and media, and felt uncomfortable with traditional masculine activities and interests
• The author experimented with wearing their sister's clothes in private, feeling a mix of joy and distress

2. How did the author's experiences with other boys and masculinity evolve over time?

• The author disliked spending time with other boys, finding them immature and violent
• At boarding school, the author faced hazing and harassment from male peers for avoiding the communal showers
• However, the author also found a group of male friends with whom they felt a sense of kinship and understanding, despite their differences

3. What were the author's early attempts to explore and express their gender identity?

• The author created an online persona as a girl named "Jennifer" to interact with school friends
• The author began developing an eating disorder, potentially as a coping mechanism
• The author was drawn to media and stories about gender transformation, finding hope and comfort in these narratives

[02] College and Early Adulthood

1. How did the author's experiences in college and gender studies classes shape their perspective?

• The author felt uncomfortable and out of place in gender studies classes, where they were often dismissed or silenced by cisgender female students
• The author felt that their experiences and insights were not valued or considered valid, simply because of their perceived gender identity
• The author grappled with the tension between their own gender identity and the expectations and assumptions of their peers

2. What were the author's experiences with exploring their gender expression in public?

• The author would occasionally go out in feminine clothing and makeup, but found the experience to be a mix of empowering and distressing
• The author was aware of the risks and challenges of being a transgender person in public, and did not want to be treated as a "conversation-starter" or "curiosity"

3. How did the author's views on transitioning and coming out evolve over time?

• The author ultimately decided not to transition or come out as transgender, citing financial, emotional, and practical concerns
• The author felt that transitioning was not the right path for them, and that they could manage their gender dysphoria in other ways
• The author expressed a desire to simply live their life without having to constantly defend or explain their identity to others

[03] Reflections and Conclusions

1. What are the key themes and insights the author explores in the article?

• The complexities of gender identity and expression, and the challenges of navigating these issues within various social and cultural contexts
• The author's personal struggle with gender dysphoria and their desire to find a way to live authentically without having to conform to societal expectations
• The author's critique of the gender politics and discourse within certain feminist and LGBTQ+ communities, which they felt could be exclusionary and dismissive of their experiences

2. How does the author's perspective on masculinity and femininity differ from the dominant narratives they encountered?

• The author rejects the notion that traditionally "masculine" traits like kindness and self-sacrifice are inherently feminine, and argues for a more nuanced understanding of gender
• The author is critical of the tendency to dismiss or deride certain aspects of masculinity, arguing that this can be just as harmful and reductive as the patriarchal attitudes they seek to challenge

3. What is the overall message or takeaway the author hopes to convey?

• The author emphasizes the importance of compassion, nuance, and an openness to diverse experiences and perspectives when it comes to gender identity and expression
• The author advocates for a more inclusive and understanding approach to gender, one that recognizes the complexity and fluidity of human identity and experience.