I Knew My Heterosexual Marriage Was Destined to Fail

🌈 Abstract

The article is a personal narrative about a woman's journey of self-discovery and coming to terms with her sexuality. It describes her experience of getting married to a man despite being attracted to women, the struggles in her marriage, and her eventual realization and acceptance of her identity as a lesbian.

🙋 Q&A

[01] The Wedding

1. What were the author's feelings during her wedding ceremony?

• The author felt distressed and conflicted during her wedding ceremony. She was crying uncontrollably, found the vows physically painful to recite, and wondered if she was betraying herself with each word.
• She was relieved when the ceremony was over, but immediately had the thought "What the hell have I just done?" upon leaving the chapel.
• The author's tears were evidence of the death of her dream to experience the kind of same-sex love she had fantasized about for over a decade.

2. Why did the author decide to get married to a man despite being attracted to women?

• The author knew she was different from her friends from a young age, and was attracted to women rather than men. However, in the late 1970s, being "out" as a lesbian was not accepted, so she kept her feelings to herself.
• The author decided to marry a good Christian man, as Christianity acted as a "buffer" for her same-sex attractions. The campus Christian fellowship she was involved in prized purity before marriage, which aligned with the author's values at the time.
• The author's engagement and marriage to her husband was more of a practical decision rather than a romantic one. They decided to get married as they were both interested in missions work and facing life changes.

[02] The Marriage

1. How would the author describe her marriage?

• The author and her husband struggled to connect on a deep level, and were like "two parallel lines that couldn't seem to bend toward each other."
• The marriage was emotionally detached and lacked connection. The author worked to be a "content, good wife" for years, but things became strained later in the marriage.
• The author struggled with severe chronic pain and frequent migraines, and when she started to physically improve, the marriage disintegrated emotionally. Her husband was distant and cold, and refused to put effort into the marriage during counseling.

2. What led the author to eventually leave the marriage?

• The author initially chose to stay in the marriage for the sake of her children, but eventually emotionally "tanked" and fell into a deep depression.
• When the author found herself on the floor of her closet, clutching sleeping pills, she realized she had the power to free herself from the marriage.
• Meeting a woman who "enchanted" her was a turning point that allowed the author to envision a happy life and embrace her same-sex attraction.