Sixteen Failed Attempts to Write a Eulogy for my Father

🌈 Abstract

The article is a personal narrative exploring the author's complex relationship with their estranged, abusive father, and the circumstances surrounding his death. It delves into themes of trauma, forgiveness, and the lasting impact of dysfunctional family dynamics.

🙋 Q&A

[01] Ballad of Big Nothing

1. What is the meditation practice the author describes, and what is its purpose? The author describes a Buddhist meditation practice where you make the same four wishes (for safety, mental health, physical health, and self-acceptance) for four people - yourself, someone you love, someone you don't know, and someone you dislike. The purpose is to cultivate compassion and see that all people, even those you dislike, deserve basic wellbeing.

2. Why does the author initially have difficulty including their father in this practice? The author couldn't reconcile loving their father and hating him at the same time, and struggled to decide whether to categorize him as someone they loved, hated, or viewed as a stranger.

3. What eventually led the author to do the meditation practice for their father? The author eventually did the meditation practice for their father, realizing they were done being angry and hating him, and that more might be possible if they gave it time.

[02] My Father's Death

1. How did the author's father die, and what were the circumstances around it? The author's father died alone in a Motel 6 near the Columbus airport, having been evicted from every apartment and fired from every job. It took over a week for his body to be discovered, and the author had to deal with the motel manager who was owed money.

2. What did the autopsy reveal about the cause of the author's father's death? The autopsy showed the cause of death was hypertensive coronary disease and chronic alcoholism, indicating he drank himself to death.

3. How did the author feel about the way their father died, and what did they hope to find in understanding the details? The author felt a deep sadness and sense of loss over their father dying so alone and in such abject poverty. They hoped that by piecing together the details, they could find some evidence that would absolve them of responsibility and prove they didn't kill him.

[03] Family History of Abuse

1. What is the history of abuse and dysfunction in the author's extended family? The author's mother is the oldest of three sisters, each of whom married a terrible first husband - the middle sister's husband abandoned their children, and the youngest sister's husband shot his girlfriend in the head in a police station.

2. How did the author's classmates react when they shared these family stories in school? When the author shared the story about their uncle shooting his girlfriend in the police station, their classmates and teacher reacted with shock, and the author's mother later told them they were never supposed to share these kinds of stories, as people would think their family was dysfunctional.

3. What was the author's reaction to the professor's assumption that their family must be "farmers" due to the abuse and dysfunction? The author was embarrassed by the professor's assumption that their family must be "white trash" due to the abuse and dysfunction, and felt pressure to pretend to be from a more "normal" family background in order to be taken seriously as a writer.

[04] The Author's Relationship with Their Father

1. How did the author's father express his love and devotion to them as a child? The author's father would lavish them with intense declarations of love, saying they were the reason he was alive and the only good thing about him.

2. How did the father treat the author's brother differently? While the author received these loving declarations, their brother was instead called names like "fat" and "faggot" and had furniture thrown at him, as the father believed boys needed to "grow up tough."

3. How did the author feel when they realized their father's "love" was actually a form of emotional abuse and enmeshment? The author was horrified to realize that their father's intense declarations of love and need for them were actually a form of emotional abuse and enmeshment, where the father made the child responsible for his own salvation and wellbeing.

[05] Attempts at Reconciliation

1. What happened when the author tried to reconcile with their father as an adult? When the author was 20 years old, they wrote their father a letter wanting to reconcile, but when it came time for their planned dinner, the father cancelled at the last minute, claiming he was feeling unwell from drinking too much.

2. How did the author react after this failed attempt at reconciliation? After this final failed attempt at reconciliation, the author never tried to forgive or reconnect with their father again, blocking his calls and refusing to engage with his attempts to reestablish contact.

3. What feelings did the author have about their father's death, even after cutting him out of their life? Despite cutting off contact, the author still felt a mix of sadness, guilt, and a desire for closure or understanding about their father's death. They hoped that by piecing together the details, they could prove they weren't responsible for his tragic end.

[06] The Author's Reflection on Forgiveness

1. What realization did the author have about their father while comforting their own child one night? While comforting their young daughter after an accident, the author had a moment of empathy and understanding for the difficulties of parenting, and realized that even though their father was abusive, the trauma of that experience may have shaped how they themselves parent in a more positive way.

2. What meditation practice did the author perform for their father in this moment? The author performed the same compassion meditation they had described earlier, making the four wishes for their father's wellbeing, realizing they had forgiven him and were no longer angry.

3. What was the timing between the author's moment of forgiveness and learning of their father's death? The author had this moment of forgiveness and compassion for their father on June 29th. Two weeks later, they received the call that their father had died while they were away on vacation.