Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?

🌈 Abstract

The article explores the growing trend of people, especially young adults, cutting off ties with their families as a form of therapeutic self-care, often encouraged by social media and therapists like Patrick Teahan. It examines the debate around whether this practice is beneficial or harmful, and the impact it has on both the estranged individuals and their families left behind.

🙋 Q&A

[01] Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?

1. What are the key reasons some people are choosing to estrange themselves from their families?

• Pressure from parents to fulfill their expectations (e.g., study business, return to China, marry a wealthy man)
• Experiences of abuse, neglect, or dysfunctional family dynamics during childhood
• Feeling that traditional therapists do not validate their experiences and instead encourage reconciliation with abusive parents

2. How is the idea of family estrangement being promoted as a therapeutic step?

• Social media platforms like TikTok are hosting many first-person accounts of people saying cutting off family ties vastly improved their well-being
• Therapists like Patrick Teahan are actively encouraging the practice, arguing that "abuse is abuse" and that breaking away from toxic family dynamics is necessary for healing

3. What are the potential downsides of promoting family estrangement as a therapeutic approach?

• Lack of scientific evidence that separating from family is beneficial for the client
• Estranged individuals may lose access to financial and emotional resources from their families
• Estrangement can also harm other family members left behind, such as siblings, grandchildren, and aging parents

4. How are some parents responding to therapists who endorse family cutoffs?

• Parents are arguing that therapists who encourage estrangement are violating ethical principles, such as avoiding imposing their own views and upholding the principle of "doing no harm"
• Some parents, like Katy Murphy, are scrutinizing and reporting these therapists to licensing boards, arguing they are prioritizing revenue generation over the wellbeing of families

[02] Better to Become an Orphan

1. What was the origin of Patrick Teahan's views on family estrangement?

• Teahan's own experience of cutting off from his family nearly 30 years ago, after encountering trauma-focused therapy approaches
• His therapist, Amanda Curtin, sometimes recommended temporary or permanent "cutoffs" between clients and their families as a way to protect their "inner children" during the healing process

2. How has Teahan's business and influence grown around promoting family estrangement?

• During the COVID-19 pandemic, interest in "going no-contact" or "low-contact" to heal childhood trauma grew rapidly, leading Teahan to restructure his practice to address a mass audience
• His online groups, webinars, and "Healing Community" membership (at $69.99/month) have seen significant growth, as he trains other therapists in his approach

3. What are some of Teahan's controversial views and advice regarding family estrangement?

• He frequently encourages a hard line, such as telling clients "it's better to become an orphan than remain a hostage" and dismissing concerns about parents' wellbeing (e.g., "So what?" if a parent is facing eviction)
• He advises clients to write "no-contact letters" that are "short, to the point" without explaining reasons, just stating "You're toxic"

[03] The Ripple of an Idea

1. How have some of Teahan's clients described the impact of his approach on their lives?

• Clients like Zhenzhen and Jess credit Teahan with validating their experiences of abuse and trauma, and supporting their decision to cut off contact with their families, which they say has significantly improved their mental health and sense of agency

2. What are the experiences of parents who have been estranged from their children?

• Parents like Dianne describe the experience as "being shunned," feeling intense grief, shame, and embarrassment over the loss of contact with their children
• Many parents feel blindsided and struggle to understand the reasons for the estrangement, especially when their children use therapeutic language they don't relate to

3. How are parents organizing to address the issue of family estrangement?

• Parents are slowly coming together, often through online support groups like PLACE (Parents Living After Child Estrangement), to share their experiences and advocate for their perspectives
• Some parents, like Katy Murphy, are trying to hold therapists accountable for encouraging estrangement, arguing it violates ethical principles, but have seen limited success so far

[04] If That Connection Dies

1. How does Teahan respond to criticism from parents about his approach?

• Teahan acknowledges that parents often blame the therapist for their child's decision to cut off contact, as a way to discount the child's experience
• He is not overly concerned about complaints to licensing boards, viewing them as an "old guard" resistance to the trauma-focused approach he advocates

2. What is Teahan's perspective on the likelihood of reconciliation between estranged parents and children?

• Teahan believes that in most cases, the estranged children are not likely to return to their families, due to the deep-seated toxicity and abuse in the relationships
• He advises clients to prepare for the "connection with the parent to die" or "pass away," rather than holding out hope for reconciliation on the parent's deathbed

3. How does Teahan's own relationship with his mother inform his views on family estrangement?

• Teahan has cut off contact with his mother twice, most recently when he became worried about her influence on his young child
• While he still has memories and feelings about his mother, he says he has reached a point where he no longer cares much about what she thinks or says, a sign of his own progress in therapy.