‘It felt shameful’: the profound loneliness of modern motherhood
🌈 Abstract
The article discusses the loneliness and isolation experienced by many new mothers, and explores the societal and structural factors that contribute to this issue. It examines the contrast between modern Western parenting norms and the more communal child-rearing practices of other cultures, and highlights how the privatization of family life and lack of community support can lead to maternal mental health challenges.
🙋 Q&A
[01] Loneliness in Early Motherhood
1. What were some of the author's personal experiences with loneliness as a new mother?
- The author describes a recurrent feeling that a slight breeze could "disintegrate" or "dissolve" her, which she attributes to the psychological, physical, and social metamorphosis of becoming a mother.
- She was surprised by how lonely the new motherhood period was for her, despite having a supportive partner, family, and friends.
- She lost social skills and confidence, fell silent, and withdrew, struggling to ask for or accept help.
- She initially thought there was something wrong with her, as she expected this to be the "happiest time" of her life.
2. What research has been done on the prevalence of loneliness among new mothers?
- Studies suggest 80-90% of new mothers feel lonely, and 43% of UK mothers under 30 feel lonely all the time.
- Loneliness is more common among new parents than the general population, and is more prevalent in certain at-risk groups like young parents, immigrant/refugee mothers, and those without supportive partners.
- Loneliness has been identified as a key risk factor for perinatal depression, with around a third of new parents now experiencing chronic loneliness.
[02] Societal Factors Contributing to Maternal Loneliness
1. How do postpartum care practices differ between Western and non-Western societies?
- In many non-Western cultures, new mothers are cared for by close female relatives or community members for around 40 days after giving birth, with practices like nutrient-rich meals, massages, and herbal baths.
- In Western societies, new mothers are often left largely on their own after a short hospital stay, with partners typically returning to work within a week or two.
2. How have changes in modern parenting norms and societal structures contributed to maternal loneliness?
- The "intensive mothering" ideology that has developed since the 1980s places high demands on mothers to be the primary caregiver and meet their children's every need.
- This occurs within a society that has become more individualistic and privatized, with a lack of community support and public spaces for families.
- Austerity measures have reduced resources like libraries, playgrounds, and children's centers that could provide support and social connection for new parents.
3. What other structural factors have been identified as drivers of maternal loneliness?
- Poverty, inequality, inadequate public transportation, poor infrastructure for families, limited parental leave, and low maternity/paternity pay.
- Professional women are identified as a high-risk group, as the transition to motherhood can be a "huge shock" after being valued in the workforce.
[03] Potential Solutions and Interventions
1. What types of grassroots initiatives are emerging to support new parents?
- Various groups and organizations are offering peer-led creative workshops, wellbeing circles, writing groups, walking groups, and other gatherings to connect and support new mothers.
- Examples include groups focused on the Black maternal experience, LGBTQ+ families, parents of children with special needs, and more.
2. What structural changes are suggested to address maternal loneliness?
- Increased investment in public services and family-friendly infrastructure.
- Fairer economic policies and more generous parental leave provisions.
- Allowing solo parents to nominate someone else to take leave when they go into labor.
3. How can the concepts of "matrescence" and "patrescence" help address maternal loneliness?
- Recognizing pregnancy, birth, and new parenthood as significant developmental stages can help erode shame and enable more open discussion.
- This can encourage seeking support, leaving the house more, and feeling less alone in the experience.